When my sister and I were little, my sister would tell our peers that I was born with both male and female sex organs.
She would tell people that our mum had to make a choice: Was she going to raise a daughter or was she going to raise a son?
It took years of study for me to even begin to grasp it, despite it being my reality. I simply do not get them and I often find myself wanting to yell, “Why do you think I should get it?! ” I just feel that I don't belong and that I am in the completely wrong place. It is a guy thing” and it is all I can do to not burst into tears, as I go from feeling visible and validated to invisible and dehumanised.
The Psychological community is still trying to grasp it. Women tell me that I'm a misogynist and am giving into some patriarchal thinking.
My gender identity does not match my biological sex.
The subject of sex and gender is what I would call one of my trigger topics.
A few years ago, my gender identity issues would not have been recognised, not even by the psychological community.
I needed something that was either gender neutral, or masculine, because that is what fit and felt right.
It wasn't until I became an adult and started to study Psychology that I began to really understand why.
However, it was just a story created by a child's brain in an attempt to understand why I was so different than the rest of the girls, a story I wanted to believe. Before the name Jules became my familiar name, I wanted to change my name to my middle name, Christine, so that people would call me Chris.
My mum, well she thought I was gay because all of my friends were male and I was not interested in girl things, no matter how hard she tried to force them on me. I just could not stomach being called by a feminine name.
Then they will begin to communicate with me as if I'm feminine and I get turned off. That is when they get weird because some of them thought it makes them gay to be attracted to me. However, my chances of attracting a gay man are extremely unlikely because my body is female.